When attention is not focused on presence any reaction to the experience becomes the experience.
It’s one of those hard won and acquired positions that is easier to identify than live. I find myself focused on everything but the actual experience. Here is what really messes up my world. I immediately jump to the story about what’s happening instead of staying focused on the actual event.
My ego then punishes me because it wants me to believe that after a few decades of practice that “Shouldn’t be Happening” anymore. Kinda like being with a therapist and working on controlling the temper but at the next irritating event you find yourself losing it. Then of course you beat yourself up because you’ve been spending money on therapy and trying to change.
Cheer up. As was pointed out to me we are trying to change a lifetime of conditioned behavior and some people will tell you thousands of years of conditioned behavior. Which I personally believe is true. We are attempting to change the program that has been running the show for a long time.
Relax. The big thing is that we see we have returned to an act that we want to change. That’s light years away from just acting out and having no idea that I’m being an ass until later when my brain kicks in.
Practicing change means this, we return to center and keep coming back and and again. We don’t know how many times it may take. But we come back, have compassion for what we are trying to do, readjust, and continue with no self recrimination or regret. It’s like trying to learn to walk as a child. We fall down and get up. Then fall down and get up. We aren’t concerned about walking right or getting it the first time. We made a decision and we keep going until one day we find ourselves walking. And, on occasion, falling again.
Change happens. We also direct our own change. Do it with the same compassion that you would have for someone else who is trying to redirect. Give yourself your own heart.