Looking back, my conditioned perspective would often use the language of mindfulness, awareness, and insight, and yet when I look at all of that now there was never any explanation for what any of that means. All the “I” seemed to know is that other people accepted and acted as though they understood what the words meant. I could use terms like “ground of being” and get support and approval, yet no one actually had a clue as to what constituted “ground of being.” I still have absolutely no idea of what that means.
One sticky point for me was the moment I realized and understood that I was not always operating in attention to the moments I am experiencing. I was seeking status and approval by manipulating and presenting information that would produce a positive response about the conditioned personality from others. I was acting to keep my social conditioning in the center of attention. The process was engaged by fabricating and pretending there was a better “I” somewhere in the future. The better “I” would rise if only I could “think” correctly and have the right “mind.” Whatever that meant.
Culture and society said, “Do this to get along with the tribe, and so we did.” Some of it was useful for that purpose, some of it needs to be examined for worth as we evolve. Conditioned personality uses all those conditioned directives, should, would, could, needs to be, has to be, and that’s wrong, to continually evidence that the current you in presence needs to be someone and somewhere else.
Each human is a song that is always evolving and never repeats. The universe exists, the human melody ensues and continues on, never repeating itself. The song exists, the variations on the melody exist, at any point in the song you recognize it as a song, and yet it’s never the same, just variations on a theme. There’s not a disconnected singularity for you to find. Living life revolves around paying attention to the moments I attend and not some eternal search for an “I,” as though I’m on a search and rescue mission for myself.
If I were to find a permanent “me”, and cling to it, then I must have stopped time. I win! Except, I am the thread and evolution that travels through time that is aware of my changes as I travel. A traveling, highly inaccurate, recording and projecting being, that continues to change as it records and remains aware that it is a recording device. A lengthy evolving chain of “I’s” that travel in time.
The reality is you and I are amazing, right here and right now.
You and I are each one of a kind, a sui generis.
We are miracles exactly in these moments of attention.
(From the book, “A Human-Being” to be released by June 2021.)
Take care of you and all you love,