I suspect that I have some deep understanding of myself, but can’t explain it, the same way I can’t explain the taste of apple to someone who never tasted one.
You are the apple that you want to taste and no one else is going to be able to give you that tasting no matter what they say or try to sell you. You will be the only one who knows what your already present taste is by attending to the taste. To do that will require you to step outside that box of social and cultural conditioning. Anyone who is selling awareness, enlightenment, mindfulness, or being awake, doesn’t seem to be operating from an entirely ethical place. They may sincerely believe in what they are doing but if I actually knew how to be “awakened” I would give it to you. Why would anyone in their right mind want to sell it? I can only sell you my story, not the experience, or my relationship with the experience.
Examining the self in honesty can only be done in presence in attention, in the moments I turn the focus of attention to the only thing I can truly know.
Take care of you and all you love,