I am suspecting that a great benefit from exploring spirituality is the modality we develop on the search and feelings generated from the search. I may never be able to define what spirituality is, I may not be able to hand it to you, and I may never really find some set of rules that defines my position.
The very act of seeking for my spiritual being or agency places me in a totally different mode than if I am not seeking at all.
This is the core, the center, the driven, and inspirational part of me that is willing to change despite the ego-based obstacles or challenges that may try to defeat the change. This genuine part of me is willing to stand up for me “no matter what the experience.” It drives me when the greater part of me wants to give up. It’s the part of me that probably saved my life during times when my active addiction was killing me. It’s the part of me that cries over nothing and everything, that shivers when I hear music that touches me, and the part of me that will sit and watch the moon without thinking or judging, and spontaneously be kind for no reason that is obvious. It’s the part of me that doesn’t give up, ever.
It would appear that this spiritual part of me is essential in processing the breaking of my addictive cycles. It feels like an enormous pool of positive energy and the center that generates the will to continue. We all love a story of the hero or heroine who won’t give up no matter what. It’s that kind of feeling that I attribute to having a strong spiritual base in my life. I suspect the reason we like the hero/heroine stories is because, deep down inside, we are the hero/heroine in our own lives. It isn’t that we want to be like them, we are like them.
I am asked, on occasion, to define my spirituality. Well I’m not sure that I am capable of doing that since it is different for everyone and my perspective keeps evolving. I can describe my vision. Living life without spirituality is like having a bread sandwich. You can eat a bread sandwich and maybe enjoy it, but it seems that something is missing. When I was using drugs and alcohol life was definitely a bread sandwich. There never seemed to be anything in the middle of life. No place to rest, no place for a quiet moment, all struggles, and no peace. Then I found the missing middle when I started to explore my spiritual being. It had always been there, but I roundly ignored it for a few decades.
My Spirituality lives in the place between my thoughts and my actions. It is non-verbal. It points out a path of no resistance. It helps me remember the bigger picture. It sings to me. It supports me when I foolishly start to think that the world needs to conform to my needs and standards. It reminds me that I came out of the world connected but somehow isolated when I listen to conditioned ego. My spiritual life reminds me to stay connected as much as possible to the here and now.
There is no need to control anything, just remain in awareness. Living spirituality means living a life that is connected to the internal flame that drives the “human”. It means that on a minute-to-minute scale I make a commitment to return to the place between thought and actions. If you have ever been in the wrestling match between acting on an addiction or remaining abstinent, I suspect that it’s our spirit that is rooting for remaining abstinent. Spirituality may not have the strongest voice unless we are active in the process of identifying and listening to the spiritual voice. It’s in effect exercising the Spiritual Option. The spiritual voice is always there, always has been there, and the only question has always been is anyone listening?
I was greatly inspired by the petunia I found growing out on the back deck. It’s what left of a dozen or so that were growing in that container. Now its October, yet this flower has stayed, surrounded by fallen walnuts and leaves. How wonderful. How amazing. It reminds me of all those I love and all those who have moved on. And oddly enough, Spirit.